Blended Families

David and I had 7 sleepover guests last week: two of our grown daughters and their spouses were in 2 bedrooms, the babies were in separate rooms, and the youngest of the adult kids was on the couch. Our son and daughter-in-law and their two kids live close by, so they stayed at their place.

It’s always a treat to be surrounded by our adult kids, and with the grandbabies too...it's a dream come true. This has rarely happened due to 3 of the babies being born during the pandemic, the proximity of the kids and the craziness of life, but this past week a very sad event took precedent and brought us all together.     

As I mentioned in the email that accompanied this blog post, my ex-husband’s wife Nancy passed away, at age 59. She also leaves behind two grown children, ages 28 and 26. Her first husband also died early; he was in his 30s.  

Although I didn’t know Nancy that well, we had a couple big things in common early on: 1 - we had married the same man (20 years apart) and 2 – we were both moms and stepmoms.

Several years ago, during a wedding planning session for one of the kids, she and I found ourselves talking about the challenges and joys of blended families. While quite complex to bring two units together under the same roof – and potentially so difficult for the kids, all of whom were adolescents or teens – we agreed that the inherent opportunity in an expanded family to foster meaningful relationships, especially for siblings, is significant.

As moms/stepmoms of these “Brady Bunch” families, we also recognized that we felt responsible to help lay the foundation for these relationships if we wanted them to be viable decades from now, with connections that would last over time and extend to our kids’ kids...our grandbabies.

This was/is so important to us...Why?  

I can only guess Nancy’s thinking. I wondered whether it was at least in part because she and her kids had experienced profound loss when her first husband passed away, leaving her with two little ones under 3.

For me, living through Matthew’s tragic passing when he was just 20 years old made me acutely aware of how members of a family unit – regardless of biological ties – can pull together to support one another.   

Maybe it’s just a mom thing, always worrying about and trying to protect our young. I will say it’s provided a thick layer of comfort for me at least to know that all of these kids can, if they choose to, go through life’s up and downs...together.  

While the family tree is a critical part of who we are, that feeling of kinship with added members of the family shouldn’t be underestimated. The next generation – our grandbabies – won’t know from “step” and who came from what bloodline when they are born; what they will know is that all their cousins and aunts and uncles are fun and caring, and everybody loves them.

About a year into her treatment, Nancy reiterated to me her wish that all the adult siblings always be close, because we parents wouldn’t be around forever.

I responded that from what I could tell, there’s no need to worry about that.

I do believe all these kids are bonded for life.