Didn't Make the Cut

“Don’t take it personally,” I find myself saying repeatedly – to myself, to friends, to family – when situations arise with friends that often lead someone to take it personally.

One of the more common and yet challenging scenarios that can be difficult to process involves wedding-related events.

A good friend talked with me this weekend about feeling hurt that she was excluded from a friend’s daughter’s upcoming wedding. She was able to talk herself through it and didn’t confront her friend despite wanting to, but she has lingering feelings about being left out, especially while she is still helping the mother-of-the-bride talk out the remaining details.

Last year, another friend told me that she was not included in a bridal shower for a friend’s daughter and she was deeply hurt, feeling that their closeness called for each other’s presence on such special occasions. In this case, she told her friend how she felt which initially caused uncomfortable feelings between them, but luckily the bond was strong enough to move forward.  

Being a host on three different occasions – as the mother of a son, a daughter, and a stepdaughter, all of whom had weddings – I can say that each celebration presented its own challenges when it came to the invitation list.

For starters, the guest numbers were determined in large part by the soon-to-be newlyweds and venue capacities. In each case, once the criteria was established, the total number of people allowed were divided among the various units involved: the bride and groom and all the parents (which were as many as 8).

This means that in the larger weddings, even though David and I were allotted about 50 invitees, once we included our families, we were only left with 15 or so couples which we then had to divide between us. Not all families have the second marriage reality to contend with, but it is an additional factor, as we had experienced our own lives and connections for some 40 years before beginning to merge them. Even in more conventional arrangements, circumstances arise that make list construction complicated.

The guest list dilemma is not an unusual position to be in for those of us in my generation, given how long we’ve been around and the wonderful friends we’ve accumulated along the way. In addition, there are friends who have invited us to their happy occasions, so we want to reciprocate and invite them to ours.

All this said, I completely understand how people could feel hurt if they are left out, and I too have felt this way numerous times. It wasn’t until I hosted parties and began to understand the quandary of having to limit invitations that I started to realize that not being included didn’t define or change the relationship.

It’s hard, but I have learned not to take these exclusions personally...or at least I have tried.

All in a Life

Last week, my former brother-in-law, Peter Heiman, passed away at just 60 years old, from bowel cancer. He is survived by his loving wife and two adult sons and an assortment of family members, including nieces and nephews, brothers, and in-laws.

People came from far and wide to participate in his Celebration of Life, with speakers sharing a slew of memories that created a heartwarming picture of a man who will be so warmly remembered and greatly missed.  

With every person who spoke, I wondered if Peter had any idea that they had such soft spots in their heart for him. Did he know, for just two examples of many, that his love and devotion to “The Oldies” music from as far back as the 1950s has been passed on to the next generation(s) in multiple families? Did he realize that not only are these tunes enjoyable but, due to his association with them, these songs also have the power to comfort? Did he know that not only did he teach his younger relatives to drive a stick shift, but thinking about these experiences are among their favorites ever and, 20+ years later, they are still laughing about those days?

We cross paths with lots of people over the years and whether we are aware of how we are seen or not, we leave some kind of impression. Hopefully our impact is positive or of a caring or inspirational nature or a lot of fun or some other really good stuff. Perhaps some of these relationships really are true gifts.   

We connect, we form a bond, we leave our mark...as do the individuals we get to know. We might be clear on what they mean to us, but are they aware how we see them? Likewise, are we tuned in to how they see us?

Talking to one another so openly could be hard to do, as many of us by nature may not be communicative about our innermost feelings. We might be embarrassed to reveal so much about ourselves or feel awkward to emote when we don’t know how the other person will react.

Perhaps we have considered telling our thoughts but, for whatever the reason, we decided to wait...and, at times, could have missed our opportunity.

Whether we tell or don’t tell, know or don’t know, I’m not sure it really matters in the scheme of things...but I do believe Peter would’ve really appreciated knowing what a difference he made in so many lives.