I heard a story recently about 2 young men in their 30s living together. They were friendly, not necessarily friends, and one saw that his roommate’s behavior had changed in a concerning manner. For a couple of weeks, the one man observed that the roommate had been staying in his room more than usual with the door closed; wasn’t talking much, going out or participating in activities or social gatherings; and maybe not eating or showering regularly. His demeanor had become alarming, and each day was more worrisome since he wasn’t bouncing back.
The man
tried in various ways to communicate with his roommate, but he didn’t know how
to reach him. Out of desperation and despite what young adults may feel should
be the last option, he decided to call his roommate’s parents.
They were so
very grateful; they were able to help him to get back to some sense of
normalcy.
In thinking
about this story and how proud I was of this man to call his roommate’s
parents, it occurred to me that we parents play a very unique role in our kids’
lives, regardless of their ages, for a few reasons: 1 – We have known our kids all
of their lives – through the ups and downs, the big moments, the struggles and
joys; 2 – We are forever rooting for their happiness and success; and 3 – We
have traversed many of the roads they are traveling on now (i.e. raising kids,
balancing work and family; and many more).
This dynamic
enables our kids to share whatever is on their minds – if they are open to it –
with people who know and love them and whose priority during that conversation is their well-being. The combination of this rare relationship coupled with
our being decades ahead of them in terms of age and life experience create an
opportunity for us to share perspective that they might not otherwise have and,
therefore, find valuable to consider.
Our children
– regardless of age – stand a lot to gain when they let us in. We can be a
quiet sounding board or a vocal one in a back-and-forth discussion. The more they
talk through their concerns and get others’ insight, the better, although in
the end it is their journey to navigate.
I look back
on the times my mom tried to steer me in a particular direction by moving me
away from one and on to another, as well as when she sat me down to talk about
something I was doing or not doing that may have troubled her. She didn’t shy
away from expressing her thoughts, which I both appreciated – because I knew her
motivation was pure – yet also disliked, because these exchanges were not
usually pleasant for me. Even though at times I wished she’d keep her thoughts
to herself, I always heard her out and mulled over what she said, because I
knew she wanted what she believed was best for me.
We live in a
world that can be very hard to manage at times for a variety of reasons, and
there’s really nothing like knowing there’s a mom and/or dad looking out for
us.
All true, Judy...but I can't help but think that the parent/adult child relationship is often less open and honest than we would like to think. I think our children's fear of disappointing us can lead them to be less than transparent. Doesn't mean that we shouldn't keep caring and trying, of course. Thanks for bringing up the topic for us to mull over.
ReplyDeleteHi Lisa, I agree that surely at times the parent/adult child relationship may be less open and honest than we'd like. In the story about the roommates, maybe the young man in need would not have told his parents for that reason, but the roommate who called them just focused on helping his roommate.
DeleteAgree with Lisa… and to add that there appears to be more estrangements between parents and their children.. especially adult children… for a variety of reasons. The young roommate absolutely did the right thing and probably saved his roommate’s life.
ReplyDeleteIt is sad for everyone when these estrangements occur. Sometimes I wonder if the adult child feels he/she needs to separate to become truly independent or feels unfairly judged or whatever the case may be, There could be so many reasons. It is so very complicated and hurtful for the parents as well.
DeleteJudy, I actually agree with you. I understand what the two people who commented below are trying to say, that in reality, today, it is not always likely for this open communication to be present, but I think what you are trying to say is that if it were there would be less estrangement or fear of disappointment in our children. It's a hard balance to be able to have this open communication with our children, but should always be something we strive for. I wish all of our children could read this blog post because it is so well stated. Thanks for the insight, especially for sharing your special experiences with your sweet mother. Celestine
ReplyDeleteHi Cel, Your comments highlight how difficult it is at times to establish open communication between parent and adult child. These relationships are so fragile.
DeletePerfect blog for the holidays and the gathering of families!
ReplyDelete