We moms are always ready to spring into action. When we see or hear something concerning, we jump. We aim to meet the need, right the wrong, soothe the heartache. This becomes who we are FOR LIFE. We don’t ever graduate from being moms. The role stays with us, forever.
So when my friend called the other day because she was
stewing over a conflict her daughter shared, I could feel her distress. She was
not only upset for her daughter but her maternal instinct to get involved was
ignited. Isn’t this what we moms do?
But the reality is times have changed. Going to her
daughter’s aid would have been a no-brainer 30, 20, even possibly 10 years ago.
My friend’s daughter is in her mid-30s. She has a job and along with her
husband supports their family. She owns a house and a car. She herself is a
mom.
It would have been the most natural act in the world for my friend
to work her magic in an attempt to manage the situation. She even offered to
make a phone call on behalf of her daughter, who politely but forcefully told
her to stay out of it, because “I’m an adult and it’s my life.” Ouch. That
stung, but my friend understood and respected her daughter’s point of view.
And so she called me, because she knew I’d get it. Learning
how to transition to this period of watching our kids from the sidelines –
after decades of guiding them through life – is not an easy feat. We are proud
to see them successful and are happy they have become independent. We are glad
they want to figure out life on their own, as we did.
Yet, that instinct to parent doesn’t go away. We still care about
them as we always have. The fact that we know the expectation now is for us to
step back doesn’t change our innate reaction to wanting to do something to
minimize their discomfort or help solve a problem.
I’ve been in my friend’s shoes, as have all of us. There’s
not one mom I know who has not had to grapple with keeping silent when she felt
compelled to say or do something. We are not trying to meddle;
we are just doing what comes naturally. Our kids may not fully understand this
now, but they will when they reach our phase of life. Until then, we will do
our best to wait until our assistance is requested.
Absolutely get it. That is why I like the Facebook groups where people post asking for help. I get to offer my suggestions and feel good about it.
ReplyDeleteCousin Marty:
ReplyDeleteMany Dads feel similarly. Men frequently go into “fix it” mode. We look to solve the problem. Often without the finesse and tenderness of a mom.
But it is in our genes - I believe- to be fixers.
So, I completely understand and agree with your sentiment. But you are not alone in having a desire to take care of it triggers. 😉🥰
Love this! Hard for both sides. I hope you are doing well! ❤️- Julie M.
ReplyDeleteIt’s definitely hard to step back. We actually have different degrees of this with each of our kids. One we stand back and watch her handle life beautifully, another seems to still want our help sometimes but not at other times. It’s just a game of feeling them out in each situation. Sometimes I think it’s harder to be the parent of an older child than when were young.
ReplyDelete