Evolving Family Relationships

Reflecting on family relationships seems to be a common theme for people as they approach middle age – or before – and I was no exception to this practice.

When I was in my early-40s and my parents were in their mid-80s, I was coming to terms with the fact that, at some very sad time, I was going to lose them. Since my primary communication with my parents went through my mom, I started to wonder what would happen if she passed first?

Being that my parents were married – to each other – I’d often see both of them when I’d visit. The usual pattern was I’d hang out with my mom or go out to lunch with her while my dad usually went his own way, given I wasn’t interested in discussing politics or the law.

This would mean, if he outlived her, that he and I would have to learn to converse 1-on-1 in order to forge some kind of bond, the way that daughters of divorced parents have to do when they are thrust into a situation of dividing their time between parents.

I didn’t share this unsettling thought with anyone; I just revisited periodically and told myself I need to be prepared, should this scenario occur.

When my dad passed away 16 years ago – about 10 years before my mom died – I was able to put this matter to rest. I then turned my attention to the second issue that had popped up periodically in my head: Would the 4 siblings continue to have a relationship with each other, when our mom is gone?  

Recognizing parents as the glue that binds a family, it didn’t seem like a crazy question. We siblings had spent years with both parents and then only our mom celebrating birthdays, holidays and other occasions…if we weren’t physically together, we’d often be on the phone discussing them. What would we talk about once she passed, other than our memories of her?

Our first get together without her felt so awkward, I recall, without our matriarch to gather around but, over time, we rallied in the wake of our becoming orphans to learn that it’s up to us now to carry on as a family.

We have found plenty to yap about – even though conversation is still a bit heavy on Philadelphia politics – but with group texting threads, Zoom events, coming to the aid of one another as needed, small group gatherings and planning for more, the 4 siblings plus 4 in-laws have created a very strong and caring unit, all on our own.

These days, I find myself thinking about the next generation – our kids – and how they will handle relationships with one another once we are gone. One might say it’s more complicated for them, given there are step siblings in the mix, but this family model provides them with additional opportunities for close relationships, should they so choose to make the most of them.

I hope they do.

Game Set Match

What a fun, oftentimes tense tennis tournament the US Open was, filled with lots of twists and turns.

While I wouldn’t want such drama and mystery in my own life, on the court it’s highly entertaining. Sometimes I find it too emotional, as I struggle with a tendency to get attached to some female players for various reasons and then get all stressed out if a player I think should win or “deserves” to win ends up losing, which happens all the time. The lack of predictability in this game is mind-boggling.  

Before it started, I figured that the World No. 1 Ashleigh Barty or No. 2 player Aryna Sabalenka would come out on top. It didn’t seem like rocket science to make that assumption. But, early on, Barty was shockingly eliminated in an upset by Shelby Rogers, the No. 43 player, which left Sabalenka, in my mind, the likely champion.

She made it to the semi-finals, but she was beaten by the fairly unknown 19-year-old Leylah Fernandez, ranked No. 73. Surprisingly, Fernandez met another unknown, 18-year-old Emma Radacanu – a “qualifier” who had been ranked above 300 – and the 2 teen underdogs battled it out. In a highly competitive final, Radacanu was victorious. This win not only netted her $2.5 million but improved her ranking to No. 23.

I was thoroughly exhausted – emotionally and physically – by the time this tournament was over, and I know I wore David out with all my questions and constant assessments. While he is used to all the ups and downs in sports – being a Giants, Rangers, and Mets fan – this is all fairly new to me.

To help me keep it all in perspective, he offered 3 guidelines:

1 - No one “deserves” to win; view each game with a critical eye. This isn’t the place for the “Everyone deserves a trophy” mentality that I had as a young mom when my kids played sports or my feeling that one athlete should win because she had a longer history than the others and so the match means more to her, or because she’s going through a divorce, or has some emotional difficulties she’s trying to work through, yadda yadda. Athletes have to prove themselves with each and every game, with a true champion the one who can do this time and time again.

2 – Expect inconsistencies. Tennis players are on their own when they play in a singles match – there’s no hiding within or behind a team – and no one plays the same each time. They are impacted by all kinds of things like their physical and/or mental state, opponent, weather and so on. Some days a player can be incredible; the next day, she might not be able to get in any first serves.

3 – Get used to being disappointed. I shouldn't get so invested in a player that I feel too sad if she doesn’t win, because it’s going to happen over and over, and feeling down could cause me to lose interest in the game which would be unfortunate since it is the one sport I truly enjoy watching. 

I’m working hard to follow these tenets, but I can’t promise I’m not going to shed a tear if my favorite player loses in the next tournament.

Big Girl School

Our oldest grandchild, Eliana, will be 4 next month. Today, she entered a public Pre-K program near their home.

“I’m going to a ‘Big Girl School,’” she had said enthusiastically many times this summer. I had heard her parents refer to the Big Girl School too, and I assumed they coined it that to differentiate it from the preschool program where she had been enrolled.

Last week, with her first day approaching, I asked if she’s excited that that she’ll be making new friends with the boys and girls in her class.  

“Not boys,” she said, “Just girls.” 

“You don’t want to play with boys too?” I asked. “No,” she said emphatically.  

I’ve never seen Eliana not have fun with anyone, including her brother and older and younger male cousins, so her comments were a bit surprising.

And then it dawned on me after a few more go-arounds of this conversation that perhaps to Eliana, a Big Girl School meant a school just for girls, and that’s how she’s been picturing it.

So, I asked her: "Do you think your school is just for girls, NOT boys?” 

She looked sooooo relieved and said with all her Eliana charm, “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.”

Given that the program was set to begin shortly, I let her know she’d be going with boys too, so she wouldn’t be shocked and off her game when she saw them in her room.

Since she’s enjoyed going to school with boys and girls her whole little life, I think her resistance to boys now was due to the fact that the thought of them conflicted with her vision of life in her Big Girl School.

We happened to be babysitting for Eliana right after the Pre-K orientation, and she came over in great spirits. She told us that in her classroom she’ll be sitting in a group of 4, which will include a red-head girl named Emily, along with…2 boys.

And she was smiling, too!

Rosh Hashanah

With the Jewish New Year fast approaching, I am looking forward to the start of Rosh Hashanah, followed by Yom Kippur, so that I can tune in to High Holiday services going on at my synagogue…from home.

I’ll be streaming them on Zoom, just as I did last year, most likely with my eyes closed for a big part of the day. I might even appear to be dozing here and there, but it won’t be out of boredom.

It’ll be more like the trance I’ve experienced during my foray into Yoga, or how I picture the practice of mindfulness, which I’ve been told is all about eliminating distractions and instead focusing on the here and now. 

Attending virtually instead of physically will prevent the usual tug of war between my sight and hearing senses. It will allow me to indulge in my favorite aspect of religious services: the sound of prayer in its many forms.

I will close my eyes and listen to the soothing tone of the rabbi’s chanting, the chilling power of the cantor when he sings and the handful of inspiring congregants of all ages who have practiced really hard to learn a Torah portion – in Hebrew – to read aloud to the entire congregation.

At times, I’ll even channel the day’s thoughts to where they’re supposed to be: reflecting on the past year, repenting for wrongdoings, and also working toward a better version of myself for the upcoming year.   

However, I will also miss a lot by staying home, such as the lovely faces of my dear friends, the joy of watching multiple generations together and the very special memory of seeing where my former father-in-law would have sat if he were still with us.   

Shanah Tovah...Wishing You a Happy, Healthy and Peaceful New Year!