Evolving Family Relationships

Reflecting on family relationships seems to be a common theme for people as they approach middle age – or before – and I was no exception to this practice.

When I was in my early-40s and my parents were in their mid-80s, I was coming to terms with the fact that, at some very sad time, I was going to lose them. Since my primary communication with my parents went through my mom, I started to wonder what would happen if she passed first?

Being that my parents were married – to each other – I’d often see both of them when I’d visit. The usual pattern was I’d hang out with my mom or go out to lunch with her while my dad usually went his own way, given I wasn’t interested in discussing politics or the law.

This would mean, if he outlived her, that he and I would have to learn to converse 1-on-1 in order to forge some kind of bond, the way that daughters of divorced parents have to do when they are thrust into a situation of dividing their time between parents.

I didn’t share this unsettling thought with anyone; I just revisited periodically and told myself I need to be prepared, should this scenario occur.

When my dad passed away 16 years ago – about 10 years before my mom died – I was able to put this matter to rest. I then turned my attention to the second issue that had popped up periodically in my head: Would the 4 siblings continue to have a relationship with each other, when our mom is gone?  

Recognizing parents as the glue that binds a family, it didn’t seem like a crazy question. We siblings had spent years with both parents and then only our mom celebrating birthdays, holidays and other occasions…if we weren’t physically together, we’d often be on the phone discussing them. What would we talk about once she passed, other than our memories of her?

Our first get together without her felt so awkward, I recall, without our matriarch to gather around but, over time, we rallied in the wake of our becoming orphans to learn that it’s up to us now to carry on as a family.

We have found plenty to yap about – even though conversation is still a bit heavy on Philadelphia politics – but with group texting threads, Zoom events, coming to the aid of one another as needed, small group gatherings and planning for more, the 4 siblings plus 4 in-laws have created a very strong and caring unit, all on our own.

These days, I find myself thinking about the next generation – our kids – and how they will handle relationships with one another once we are gone. One might say it’s more complicated for them, given there are step siblings in the mix, but this family model provides them with additional opportunities for close relationships, should they so choose to make the most of them.

I hope they do.