Sunday, August 17, 2014

Him or Her?

The other night as David and I sat on our 3rd floor porch overlooking Boothbay Harbor in Maine, all was right with the world.  The air was crisp, the moon illuminated the sky and lights outlining the sailboats and footbridge reflected in the water.  It couldn't have been a more peaceful and romantic setting.        

As we snuggled up to one another on the loveseat, a car pulled up on to the gravel at our B&B.  First we heard a door open, and then we heard this:    

"Why can't you ever let me drive?  I want to drive, just like you do.  Do you know how that makes me feel, that you always say NO?" and so on until a minute or two later, when the couple came upstairs and saw us sitting outside the bedroom next to theirs.  Surprised, she said hello and they scurried inside.  
          
I was glad that they saw us, hoping that signaled an end to her fury, but once they closed the door, her irritation with his not allowing her to drive morphed into more.  They probably didn't realize or care that their windows were open, and if it weren't for David watching a ball game on his iPad, I would've heard every word. 

"Why did you ask me to pack a clean outfit every day when I haven't seen you change your shirt every day this whole week?" the woman asked.  She said if she could ask Louise, his former wife of 18 years, Louise would say he didn't change every day either.  I wasn't sure what the relevance was of bringing up his ex-wife or his dressing pattern other than to express the resentment she feels about Louise, the fact that he wouldn't let her drive because he was a control freak or a million other things.  

He didn't say much until she brought Louise into their argument, which is when he fired back.  "All you do is 'yap yap yap' and I'm sick of hearing you yap yap yap....You drank too much at dinner.  You're a gold digger....yap yap yap...stop talking, you talk too much...yap yap yap."  Yes, she did prove herself to be an incessant talker, but it also seemed that she had valid complaints about his offending her whereas from my perspective by his very nature he was arrogant and condescending.  Even though I was drawn to listening to this play out, it was disturbing that what I was hearing could well be a marriage on the rocks.     

After 10 or 15 minutes of back-and-forth mud-slinging, there was total silence, which lasted for the rest of the night.  I found this even more disconcerting than their arguing. 

I assumed when I whispered to David that this guy is a real jerk, he'd add his own expletive remarks, but that's not how he responded.  First, he told me to stop eavesdropping.  Then he said she talks way too much and he wouldn't be able to tolerate her either.    

Yikes!  How is it possible that we heard the exact same exchange and got such different vibes?  Or is this the way it plays out most of the time; that women align themselves with women and men with men? 

That calmness I felt gazing into the harbor was gone; I became upset and worried.  I was not only disgusted with the husband's patronizing ways but was so alarmed by the sudden quiet that I pictured something awful having happened.  What if we saw only one of them at breakfast?  If it would've been him, I'd be forever mad at myself that I didn't intervene; if she was alone, I'd have to suggest a good lawyer.  I also realized I wouldn't recognize either one of them by their faces, only by their voices, so I hoped one or both would speak up to make his/her presence known.   
         
Hours later while awaiting breakfast, I heard an enthusiastic "Good Morning!" tinged with a southern drawl. I knew her voice instantaneously.  I was relieved when she walked in and proud of her grand entrance, with her head held up high, despite the challenges of having such an impossible husband.  I felt validated that I'd been right and David wrong; she exuded positive energy and the CEO - as she referred to him in the midst of their heated argument - appeared just the opposite: miserable and grumpy, following behind her, not making eye contact with anyone, his tail between his legs.

Just as he did every morning, Phil, our B&B host, gave us a preview of the breakfast menu.  He asked if everyone was OK with French Toast covered with blueberries and Maple Syrup.

There were lots of "oohs and aahs" and then each guest - about 10 of us - replied individually with an appreciative "Yes, please" until I heard HER voice again.  "Just bring us one plate of food and we'll share," she told Phil.  He replied by joking that he's made enough for everyone to have their own plate.  She insisted that they wanted just one plate for the two of them and that would be plenty.  Again, the CEO was silent.

And then my loyalties suddenly switched.  She was grating on MY nerves at this point. What a nag she was!  Why couldn't she just be quiet and let Phil do what he wanted to do, which was bring each of them a plate, let the CEO have whatever he wanted and she could eat or not eat as well.   I was now in agreement with David's comment from the night before, that neither one of us would be able to tolerate her.  What a control freak she turned out to be!

Normally if David and I leave the dining room before the others, I'd be sure to make my signature comment, "Have a great day!" but I couldn't bring myself to even look in their direction.  I was too frustrated with each of them and so agitated as well that it wasn't clear who the jerk really was.  The CEO or the yapper?  Which one was the victim?  It was a big blur to me with my heart but untrained eyes and ears dictating my reactions.

I walked away exhausted by the complexity of relationships.  What really happened between them the night before?  Was their exchange merely harmless banter, or did it eat away at the core of their marriage?

And then I decided that David's approach had been a good one:  Just increase the volume of the ball game and call it a night.  

2 comments:

  1. Some people do fine in their normal routines, but the non-structured time and maybe too much together time of a vacation can prove too much. Glad you guys are having a great time!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What a great sharing of events. I was feeling your frustrations right along with you, Judy:) Like Robin said above, some people may not be able to spend too much unstructured vacation time together. Then again, perhaps this is how they always communicate; which would be very sad.
      In contrast, it sounds like you and David don't have a problem there, and have been enjoying your time together. Celestine

      Delete