Back and Forth

When I think back about this weekend's 24-hour getaway in New York City with my girlfriend, it's hard to say what I'll remember most:  the entertaining Broadway show, Hedwig and The Angry Inch; the luscious meals we devoured; the weird half door on the hotel shower, the magical setting of the ice skaters in the park late at night, the congestion of the ride to the city compared with the ease of the return trip home...

Or, something else?

Indeed!  A subject that I've touched upon before right here in this blog was revisited, leaving me with yet another new perspective on one I seem to examine time and time again.  Talking about whether there is a G-d - yes, that again - is not a topic I enter into lightly, because some people react so defensively or preachy or judgmentally that I wonder why I even bothered to share my personal thoughts and emotions.  Others, however, invite conversation just by being themselves.

I'm not sure how we got into the sphere of such weighty business past midnight, but we did, and I reiterated that I don't see how we can have a G-d if he/she allowed my stepson Matthew, before giving him one day of healthy adulthood, to die.  (This is a conversation that David, a complete non-believer, and I have had quite often.  He says he can't believe in something unless it can be expressed in a formula.)

Questioning the presence of G-d led to my girlfriend's asking me how David and I coped after the loss of his son.  I told her that I tried to help him by being a supportive wife, and other loved ones came to his side as well.  She asked how I handled my grief.  My response was that I too leaned on friends and family and tried to approach life one day at a time, all the while talking myself through a most devastating situation...what else could I do? 

I was surprised by her response.  She said, if I interpreted her words correctly, that she does not view G-d as responsible for any one outcome; rather, life happens, and G-d is there to pick up the pieces by helping us to cope.  So, when Matthew was sick and then when he passed, I could've reached out to G-d to help me/us.  She believes that the relationship we develop with G-d through prayer has the potential to fortify us exponentially during the most challenging of times, if we are open to it.

This view opens a compelling new wave of thinking.  I had always closed off the reputed power of G-d by holding him/her responsible for allowing all the wrongdoing around me to play out when in fact I could've been giving too much authority to this entity.  Perhaps this enormous expectation was erroneous and, therefore, completely misguided.  It may seem inconsequential either way - my being agnostic or not - but I see now that I could be missing out on that extra comfort and strength my friend has relied on all her life, which helps her to sleep at night...perhaps I may have slept much better all those times I didn't...and this support, she believes, has helped to mold her into the person she has become. 

But still, I asked, why pray if we don't KNOW to whom we are praying, or whether there is someone or something to hear us and to actually do anything for us at all?  What is the point, other than carrying out the traditions of one religion or another, never knowing FOR SURE what is on the other end? 

But still, she responded, why NOT pray?  Even if prayer simply makes us feel better, without necessarily being communicated to a higher being who can assist us, why wouldn't we do that?

While my friend knows that some - including Yours Truly - may never believe in G-d or the potential of prayer, she is a believer with her whole heart and soul, and for that alone I may, in fact, have to reconsider.